More lessons, more choices, more heartbreak..
It’s funny that when you’re born people look at you and start talking of what you will bring the world – the happiness, the success, the boundaries you will surpass, the joy you will bring to your family. It’s funny when you have so much pressure on you at a time when you’re so young that you cannot even open your own eyes because the light hurts so much.
Growing up you learn that light is not only a strong physical element that affects worlds but also a strong metaphor that draws the line between good and bad. The concept of learning what is good and bad takes quite a few years and to some a lifetime. Treading that line or choosing a side and living that life.
I’ve learnt to take a side – I chose light. I go dark at times too. Pretty sure the whole world does too. In today’s world where the line is blurry to so many, how do you choose? You can’t hurt your friends or your family or your core beliefs – so what is right? Why do I have to let others alter my voice? Why is my voice an avenue for others to scream, to speak, to whisper?
Every choice we make affects us in a way that eventually leads us to the only road that is constant – death. I’d like to call it the time when we let out our light and accept the darkness. When we’re born when we try to open our eyes and let in the light, in death we close our eyes because we learn that the darkness is so overwhelming and that living in the absence of light is easier than making the choices that the light provides us throughout our lifetime.
It’s a fight to stay on the side of light, it takes constant effort and continuous self-motivation to stay put and keep moving forward. Is it possible to live for ourselves? To make choices where we know we don’t affect anyone else? To voice our opinions just for ourselves and not for others? Isn’t that when we are termed selfish? Humanitarians? Self-centered? Social activists? It’s funny that you always have to affect another life with every choice you make. In birth, life and death – you always affect someone in the tiniest of ways. In a world where the population will slowly but surely flood not only land but also the seas and ironically be buried or drowned in the same – my choice of eating a burger just because I want to, affects people.
Coming to terms with this has taken me all my life, but the last few years – my small eyes opened to so much more. I learnt of friendship, of deceit, of love, of hate, of trust, of support and finally of faith.
I grow tired of walking alone, physically I can do it all my life – but mentally, I can see myself throwing in the towel. The heart isn’t in it anymore, my eyes stray to the other side and my heart senses a longing for it. Making a conscious decision to change sides isn’t easy, it doesn’t take courage or determination though. You just need to be so self-centered that you end up not caring about the choices you make and how they affect others.
Can I stop caring? I don’t know, but the light is fading fast and I need to make a choice – either keep my eyes open or close them and give in to the dark.
I just hope I don’t walk alone. I hope someone will be there to dance with me in the dark. If not, well, it’s a choice I made and I don’t care who it affects. Call me self-centered, but if it’s the only way to get what I want – I’ll gladly close my eyes.