Directions please..

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It’s been a long while since we’ve spoken. I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve spoken to you many times but now you repeat the same thing over and over again. I can’t make out if you’re angry or pushing me. I can’t make out if you’re scolding or giving me advice. I keep going through bad and worse days. I sit alone and think and think some more. There are so many occasions where I’d like to hear what you say, there are so many times that I’d like your advice on how to tackle things. I feel like no matter what I do, I hurt someone or the other. It hurts even more when that someone is family – but you know I have to do it. I can’t show my true self to anyone, since you’ve gone I can’t remember a day, no matter how joyful, did I end up sleeping in bed not feeling empty. I have tried so much to forget, tried so much to divert thoughts, tried so much harder to succeed but I’m still here. I’m getting better, I know that. However, the strings that hold my life in line are beginning to snap and I don’t know how much longer I can bear it. People don’t understand me, no one has and I’m sure no one will unless they’re in my shoes.
I have big shoes and no one will ever replace me you said. I have the biggest heart, no one will ever try harder you said. I have passion, no one will ever want it more you said. I can become a world champion, no one will be more deserving you said. I will have the best life, every one will be jealous you said. I will live in happiness, no one can ever take that from me – you said.
I’m sorry mom. I’m lost. I know what I can bring to the table and I know my intentions are true. But I’m in a hole filled with snakes who are out to get me. Such snakes don’t care, they’re too self centered to worry about the bigger picture, they’re happy with an extra penny in their pocket or with the false feeling of being in a higher status quo. Such people will always be able to replace me. Such people are trying harder than me each day. Such people want it more than I do. Such people deserve the world’s title more than I do. Such people have better lives than me. Such people are more happy than me. Such people are the ones I am dealing with every single day.
What’s funny is that, after everything you said – you told me to keep pushing. You urged me to never show my emotions, I screwed up this time in front of my whole team – people who looked up to me. I know I will never get that respect back, but you know that I’m not here to gain respect. I’m here to to build something a lot bigger and they will never understand that. The best minds in the business, no matter how great, kind and compassionate they are, cannot grasp what I have in mind. Whatever I’ve learnt from the Hustlers and basketball is coming back to me now – is that how I have to move forward in life? An angry, aggressive man who keeps pushing peoples buttons till I get what I need? That just sounds wrong – we both know I wouldn’t do that and you wouldn’t let me either.
You know it’s so funny that others come to me for advice? Asking for directions from someone who is lost themselves. Not just about darts but about life. Who am I to talk about darts either when my head isn’t in the right place, when I don’t know if I’m moving forward or backwards. There are so many things that hurt me. There are so many people that are halting my progress. My heart says blow right through them and leave bodies on the floor behind you but then my head asks why? What’s the use? You have bigger things in mind, you’re going to leave them anyway. Right now I’m in a dust storm scrapping through but later when my job is done and the coast clears they’re nothing more than the dust beneath my feet. But you’ve told me to always follow my heart and then there is whatever you have taught me in life which is exactly the opposite. So what do I do? I know your answer, you’ve been saying the same things on repeat for the past year. I know one way to tackle it but I cant be that aggressive. It doesn’t work like that but I’m trying. I just fear that if I stumble on the path, I wont have it in me to get back up. But as you’ve told me before – keep trying to do your best. That’s maybe the only thing I have left.

I love you mom.

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